I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
