Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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