I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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