So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This house was built for laser tag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
