and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
