his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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