we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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