Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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