Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
