We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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