saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
