I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
