If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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