Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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