the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
