I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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