highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
