Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
