apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
