Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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