I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
