I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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