Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
