Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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