Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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