he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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