I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
