my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
