i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
