life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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