my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
