420 ftw
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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