The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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