PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
