he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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