Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
