no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
