Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
why is half of my head shaved?
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