Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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