im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
