I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
