Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
