Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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