Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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