Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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