halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
