I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
