I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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