You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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