Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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