My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
