i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
