If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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