Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
