this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
