the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
