Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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